Baseball Card Epic Poem

PSAtan

Ode To The Baseball Card Bandit

So square and glossy in my hand,
I run from the dealer's convention stand,
I'm breathing so hard I can hear my heart,
I reach my car, but it won't start.

Off the road and into the trees,
Hopefully, I'm in a place that no one sees,
I have my Mantle and Williams at last,
Now, it's just the guard dogs that I must get passed.

All night I spend in a large birch tree,
I'm careful not move or take a pee,
Baseball card trackers are an adept crowd,
They caught and killed my buddy Pete O'Dowd.

Now it's morning and I'm hungry as a bee,
I've carefully hidden my cards where none can see,
In my underpants taped to my loin,
Right were my testicles come together and join.

I make it to a diner at around noon,
the coffee and muffin can't come to soon,
Then I spot them over by the pinball,
One is short and the other is tall.

Baseball card bounty hunters are a loathsome crowd,
When not working, they drink and tell their stories loud,
Now, they're watching thoroughly,
Hoping to find, the culprit-Sweet ol' me.

Let's go back a few years to my formative years,
My dad couldn't stop drinking beers,
I hid under my bed when he crossed his eyes and began to curse,
He'd hit my mom with her favorite purse.

I didn't get my first card until the age of twenty-three,
I'd saved up enough to by a rookie Al Bumbry,
I could tell at this rate I wouldn't get too far,
So I became the Jesse James of card thiefs trading my horse for car.

The early years were simple as pie,
Cards galore and the door guarded by one guy,
Now, there's swat teams at every turn,
They know kung fu and have weapons to burn.

So back to me in the diner scared stiff,
My coffee comes but I can't take a sniff,
I must escape before the slime move in,
And break my bones for my little sin.

The road is hot and the area strange,
As far as I can see it's the open range,
The hounds are on me, they smell my theft,
Oh the 100 kids I take care of at the orphanage will be bereft.

I hear the sound of bullets coming my way,
I smile and move on until I realize some have caught me,
My knee is gone and my pelvis cracked,
The baseball card bounty hunters have caught what they got paid to track.

They come over to me as I'm oozing plasma onto the street,
They say I must think I'm pretty neat,
To make off with big dollar cards is a nasty crime,
I'll go to sing-sing for an endless time.

They roll me over to snatch the cards,
Then they look at me like I'm one of the world's biggest retards,
They pick me up and put on splints,
I'm going away for a dime for stealing reprints.

S.


Now

Galveston

I think you need to increase your level of anti-depressants.

brumbach

Elavil 400mg qhs or Deseryl 600mg qhs or Zyprexa 20mg qhs, not all three at the same time man! And stop doubling up on your Nardil already, how many times do I have to tell you that!

Oh, and if you are going to snort your Zoloft, at least crush it first.

PSAtan

I'm thinking of taking my Zoloft down and cranking up on Buspar. Also, I'm toying with the idea of trying thorazine. It would be in small doses, but I think it might control my anger. Also, I've done some reading on using opiates for depression. Is this a worthwhile approach? Is opium available anymore? How do you fix an opium pipe?

Hoping to feel better by 2008,

Satan

murcerfan

Opium? ........I'd try some Dallas Green and see how that works.
A big dose of Bible thumping A-men style Prayer might also do the trick.
Also don't forget those WHoley Cards.

Thorazine makes it really hard to type, and you'll end up having to edit all your messages.

edited to add : still looking for that PSA 9 Root Boy Slim Rookie Card

MyBigToe

Personally I have never been an advocate of swallowing pills. I elected for 16 ECT treatments. I am all in favor of better living through science.