I want to have a giveaway! We have a WINNER!!!
MadMarty
Posts: 16,697 ✭✭✭
Couldn't figures out what to do, so my wife came up with an idea. You are going for a nice 1967 Proof Set from Panama.
To get this great proof set. You have to come up with the best joke. (Sorry, my wife made the rules for this one).
Post it, and tomorrow night around 9PM Central time she will pick a winner.
So go for it. It's a great proof set struck by the US Mint...
To get this great proof set. You have to come up with the best joke. (Sorry, my wife made the rules for this one).
Post it, and tomorrow night around 9PM Central time she will pick a winner.
So go for it. It's a great proof set struck by the US Mint...
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving!!!
0
Comments
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "what is this father?"
The father, (never having seen an elevator), responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!!"
"I've got some bad news, you've got two things wrong with you. You've got cancer and you've got alzheimers"
"Whew" the old guy replied, "I thought for a minute you were going to tell me that I had cancer".
Russ, NCNE
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A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
----------
Thanks,
Jeremy
As he turns around, they all get up and begin jumping up and down, ordering champagne, giving one another high-fives, and chanting,
" Twenty-three days ! Twenty-three days ! Yessss ! Twenty-three days !"
" Woohoo ! Twenty-three days ! "
Baffled by this strange behavior, the man asks one of the blondes what all the celebration is about, and why they keep chanting "Twenty-three days" over and over.
One blonde tells him,
"Y'know how people are always talkin' about how stupid blondes are, and telling those awful Dumb Blonde jokes? Well, we decided to show 'em, for once and for all!"
She points to the table, where there is a fully-assembled 24-piece Sesame Street jigsaw puzzle.
"See this? The side of the box says '3 to 6 years', but it only took us twenty-three days !!"
(You should have posted this competion on the Darkside forum, Marty. Not only is it a proven fact that Darksiders have a better sense of humor than Lightsiders, it IS a Darkside set (well, sort of- one could say it's Lightside, too). Anyway, the Darkside forum has been like a mausoleum lately, and could have used a little jump-start... )
Genie: "For releasing me from a thousand years of bondage, I will grant you one wish."
Hippy: "Oh, wow, man, I've always wanted to surf the pipeline in Hawaii...I would like a highway from California to Hawaii, so I can cruise over and surf anytime I want."
Genie: "Man, you have got to be kidding...do you have any idea how long that would take? Wouldn't you rather have something else, like a million dollars or something?"
Hippy: "Well, I've been divorced 3 times and I really have a hard time understanding women. I suppose I would like to understand women completely."
Genie: "Did you want 2 or 4 lanes on that highway?"
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
Thomas Paine
She was beside herself, never having been pulled over before. She asked the officer what he stopped her for.
He said she had a reflector out on the back of the buggy and that he wasn't going to ticket her for it, he just wanted her to know about it so her husband could fix it.
Then he said, "I notice one of the reins is twisted around your horses scrotum, you better have your husband take care of that too".
He then bid her to have a good day and she went on her way.
That evening when the woman's husband came home, she told him she'd been stopped by the Police. He couldn't believe it. He asked her what she'd been stopped for. She told him the Officer had noticed they had a reflector out on the back. The husband said that he'd replace the reflector with a new one. He then asked if that was all the cop stopped her for. She said, "well, there was one other thing, and I don't know for sure what he was getting at, but it had something to do with the emergency brake."
Ray
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to bed. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you think."
Watson says, "I see billions of stars. Out of those billions of stars, a good number of them probably have planets circling them. If even one of those planets is like like our own Earth, there may be other life forms out there somewhere. And, if those life forms exist, they may even now be looking up at these same stars and thinking the same thing that I am."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."
Edited to correct spelling...
CoinPeople.com || CoinWiki.com || NumisLinks.com
God is talking to Adam in the Garden of Eden after the creation of Eve.
"Adam,'' God says, "I have good news and bad news."
"OK,'' Adam replies, "what is it?"
"The good news is, I gave you a brain and a penis,'' God says.
"And, the bad news?" Adam asks.
"I only gave you enough blood to run one at once."
The Ludlow Brilliant Collection (1938-64)
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Molasses."
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl in it worth $50,000...please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months."
last years hide-and go-seek winner.
....... bob**rgte**
There was a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in his wheelchair on the beach... crying.
A gorgeous woman was walking by... and, when she noticed him crying she walked up to him and asked him what was wrong.
He told her, "I'm 30 years old, and I've never been hugged."
Being a kind-hearted soul, without hesitation she leaned over and gave the poor man a hug.
He continued to cry and sob.
"What's wrong now?", she asked.
He told her, "I'm 30 years old, and I've never been kissed."
Well, she didn't see that it could do any harm... so, she leaned over and gave a very nice kiss.
Still, he cried and cried.
"Now what's wrong?", she asked.
He told her, "I'm 30 years old, and I've never been @#&!ed."
So, she leans down, takes him into her arms, pulls him in close.... runs out into the surf and throws him as far into the ocean as she can.
Then, she yells out to him, "There, NOW you're @#&!ed!"
A Brunette with bad breathe
Computer Services
What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?.....Last time I do THAT for a buck!
UPGRADING TO HUSBAND 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
Sincerely, XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
honi soit qui mal y pense
gold - the barbarous relic!
That is too funny!!!
Computer Services
What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?.....Last time I do THAT for a buck!
What you need to do is:
1- Cut a hole in the ice
2- Line the hole with pea's
Now that you have that all set, you need to wait for the polar bear.
When the polar bear goes to take a pea
kick him in the ice hole
-David
AB CD Puppies
MNO Puppies
OSAR
CMPN
-Dave
I AM SOFA KING
WE TODD DID
-David
So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig... He is one special pig... One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says, "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig... He is one special pig... One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says, "That's really terrific. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig... He is one special pig... Last week during the earthquake, my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out to safety. Saved my life."
And finally, the bartender says, "Wow! That is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, drowning and an earthquake. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says, "When you have a pig this special, you can't eat him all at once."
.
.
.
.
Her ankles.
Two guys are riding a snowmobile when it stalls. They push it to the mechanic, who looks and says, "It looks like you blew a seal!", to which the first guy says, "No that's just ice in his mustache."
and it sets us apart from practitioners and consultants. Gregor
The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
It was then little Johnny's turn and he said "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the schoolyard, the teacher approached Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Little Johnny blushed and said, "Nah, he's really an auditor for Arthur Andersen but I was just too embarrassed to say so."
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
and it sets us apart from practitioners and consultants. Gregor
-Dave
-----------------
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.
The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.
It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.
Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''
Allen
Proud member of TCCS!
He goes and spends $300 on a pair of Gucci shoes, patent leather, shiney, they really look nice.
He feels so good about his new shoes that he wants to go out dancing to let people see his 300 dollar gucci shoes.
As he was out on the dance floor, he saw the most beautiful brunette he had ever laid eyes upon. He had to ask her to dnace.
He walked up, and introduced himself, then asked her if she would dance with him. She said yes.
As they were dancing, he told her about his 300 dollar gucci shoes and how proud he was of them and how shiney they were.
She asked him, "if they are so shiney, can you look down at them and tell me what color pannies I'm wearing?"
He said, "why, yes I can,,, he looks down and proclaims that she is wearing black pannies".
She says,"Ha, you are wrong, I'm not wearing any pannies at all!!!"
He proclaims, "OH, thank God, I thought I had a crack in my 300 dollar gucci shoes!!!"
and it sets us apart from practitioners and consultants. Gregor
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Check us out today!
http://www.futuredesignsolutions.com
and it sets us apart from practitioners and consultants. Gregor
Two Menonite.
*Disclaimer: This joke was meant in no way to defame or harass people of Amish or Menonite heritage, religion or culture.
For some life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever.
-Laura Swenson
In memory of BL, SM, and KG. 16 and forever young, rest in peace.
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Dave
"Doc", the man said, "I want you to watch us DO IT."
The doctor, thinking this was a little strange but having seen a lot in his time said, "Okay folks but it'll cost you the standard $32 office visit fee."
The old guy said okay and they got on the examination table an went after it. A bit later, they got dressed, paid the nurse $32 and left.
The next week, the same thing happened, and the next. After 5 weeks of this, the doctor confronted the old couple, "Look folks, you both seem healthy and full of vigor! You don't need to come here anymore! Nothing seems to be wrong with either of you!"
The old man looked down, then looked at the doc and said, "Well....we can't go to her house 'cause she's married..."
"We can't go to my house either 'cause I'm married..."
"The Hilton costs $72.....Holiday Inn wants $65..."
"If we come here it's only $32 and I get $28 of that back on Medicare."
see? My Auctions "Got any 1800's gold?"
There's a traveling salesman, on one fine day he stops by a large retail chain to peddle his wares. To his surprise the chain buys everything he has to offer. He then returns with to his head office with the store's cheque in hand, he receives a very large commission cheque. Now it seems that his lifelong dream to finish his mint-state Mercury dime collection can be realized.
The next week he is traveling through a small town with only a single coin dealer, he goes into the shop and asks if the owner has a 1916D Mercury dime. The shop keeper does have one (and only one).
He goes into the back and gets from the safe a spectacular, toned 1916D. He shows the gem of a coin to the salesman, the sun coming in through the window radiates all the colors of the rainbow off the coin, the salesman is impressed.
He asks the proprietor of the shop if he might have one that is not toned. The owner says he has another one in the back. He takes the coin from the salesman and slips into the back of the store and takes out his coin dip and dips the coin. It is now quite a nice blazing white BU. He brings this out to show the salesman.
The salesman really likes the coin and mentions that he has had a good week lately and says "Great, I'll take both of them."
My posts viewed
since 8/1/6
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Dave
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm just a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again ....
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed!
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what is behind door # 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time.
It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will.
I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know --
this is yesterday's flight."
A truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.
This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with
the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted
her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the five dollars
pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
She replied "I will if those useless sons of b1tches at the lumberyard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a sh!t."
particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang
of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked
his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and
told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you lots.
Osama
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.MY ROLEX!!!
well, whatever. Great giveaway!!!
Thanks
dan