contest! (prize...a latrell sprewell rookie card)...c0LLect0r is our winner!

Chillinbij

this is a very funny contest...you'll see. the prize is a rookie card. to win them, you must reply below and type in a funny joke. contest ends at 4:45 eastern time today (7-25-02). winner will be the one who has the funniest joke. winner will be posted at 4:50 with the joke. thanks and good luck!

also, just for advertisment, i am trading a box of 185 cards (baseball, basketball, football) for a low-end game used card, preferably jersey and/or star player. pm me if interested. these cards bv at $75+, which include star cards, baseball cards, inserts, ted williams, pre 1979 vintage card, vintage nolan ryan, autograph, richmond braves set with eddie pereze's ONLY minor league card (sealed), a pack of cards sealed with sosa showing on the botton, 6 jordan cards each bv at $4 to $5 (including his baseball rookie), mcgwire card bv $4, and much more. I'll pay for the shipping. thanks.

Cardinal88

Why cant women ever find guys who are caring, sensative, good looking, and charming?? Because they all already have boyfriends...

Undertaker

did you know that beer contains a lot of female hormones?

when you drink too much of it, you start nagging, you get a headache and you can't drive your car anymore

UofAWildcatFan

What do you call a leper in a spa?

Stew

Chillinbij

TTT

yanyak5

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

yanyak5

OK FIne DERRICK!!!have it YOUR way...lol.....here is one of my jokes....Kinda Dirty but...



sperm #1: are we almost there yet, im getting pretty tired
Sperm #2: No way! we just past the tonsils!

Derrick

I'm sure he meant your OWN joke yanyak...not something you copy and pasted from another site...

Chillinbij

Doesn't matter. your own or from another site. thanks y'all.

yanyak5

Joke edited just for Derrick

Cyphilissb

Disclaimer: if sexual behavior or anything else for that matter offends you skip my post now

So this guy is sitting at home boared and horny, thinking "man i wish i could get laid right now." Anyway he looks at his little black book and sees that isnt going anywhere, so he thinks about his options. "Geez I really want to get laid, but i can't call any of these girls and I only got ten bucks for a hooker." But he decides what the heck "I'll see what i can get for ten bucks"

So he gets in his car and drives to the classy part of ten where hookers are called escorts, and he goes into this "classy" brothell and goes up to the front counter and says "Good sir what can one of your ladies provide me with for ten dollars?" And the man behind the counter looks at him and says "Son if you don't get out of here with your lousy ten dollars I'll knock those teeth of yours into the back of your throat."

So he leaves and says to himself "Well I didn't really expect to get anywere with that place anyway."

The guy gets back into his car and being a guy of logic he says to himself, "I going to have to lower my standards for the night" So he goes to a middle class part of town, finds an alright place, nothing to fancy. He goes inside and walks up to the guy at the counter and says, "hey man I got ten bucks what can one of your ladies help me with?" The man behind the counter looks up at him and says "what kinda place do you think this is? We ain't no garbage dump, our ladies are classy and it takes more than ten bucks from scum like you to mantain our kinda class so scram."

Realizing his situation, he knows he only has one option left, that filthy place down on third street with all of the crack ho's and worse. He stops and thinks about it for a minute, then says to himself 'what the hell, i'll protect myself close my eyes and i won't know the difference."

Hoping that this last place will be just bad enough that he can get something there he gets in his car and heads down to third street.

When he pulls up to the place he knows right away this could have be a bad idea, looking at the place you just knew it was dirty, the windows were half broken, the paint was peeling off the walls, you could here babies crying people yelling and the banging of rusted metal head boards screaching back and forth against the walls.

So he goes up to the front door and opens it walks inside and asks the guy behind the counter "hey man what can i get for ten bucks?" The man behind the counter stops and looks at him as says, "My man for ten dollars you can have the DELUXE package, you have never expierenced something so fine in your life." Shocked that he can get anything for ten bucks after the last two places he says "great wheres it at?" The man behind the counter says "down that hall and its that last door on the right, she should already be tied down and ready to go when you get in there."

So he walkin down the thinkin this is great, he opens the door he was supposed to and sure enough she laying there naked on the bed tied down to each corner. So he strips down and jumps on here, and starts doin his thing. Anyway so he's getting into it and he looks down at her and all of sudden a little snot runs down out of her nose, he thinks to himself "thats nasty but she's tied down and i don't want to whipe it off." So he just keeps goin, and so he's doin his thing still about five minutes go buy and he looks down and a little bit of stuff kinda dribbles out of her ear. So now he's thinking "man this girl is nasty I'm just gonna finish and get outta here." Right as he's thinkin that stuff leakes out her left eye and bubbles a little, so jumps up screaming "F$&% this," and runs out the door, down the hall past the guy at the counter and slams the door behind him as he leaves the place. After seeing all of this the guy behind the counter yells to someone else upstairs "HEY, get down here the dead one's full again!"

thank you, I'll be here all week

Derrick

Here's mine...

There was a woman, and she wanted a blue baby for some odd reason. Well, there was a white man, a black man, and a chinese man. So, she went to the white man first and they get their groove on but they don't have a blue baby, so she ditches him and goes to the black man. Well, again, they don't have a blue baby, so she ditches him. Then she goes to chinese man. They get their groove on and they have a blue baby. The woman is sooo happy that she now has a blue baby! So, she asked the Chinese man..."How in the BLUE hell did you get me to have a blue baby?!?!" and he says....





















OOO WEEEE ME SO QUICK...ME PUT CLOROX ON ME DICK!!!!!!

LOL!!!

sweigand2254

Heres a joke a friend sent me couple of days ago. its not as bad like the ones Cyphilissb or Derrick wrote, lol. Sorry its a little long.

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God

or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton


Sarah

RepresentCards

What do a Mother of 7 and a Boeing 747 plane have in common??


They both have wide bodys and big CO(Kpits


R*C, lol

Chillinbij

TTT

RepresentCards

whos in the lead as of now???

R*C

SkiVermont3

Why did the chicken cross the bkb court?














Cause he heard the ref was blowing fouls

Chillinbij

the only three i like so far are from Cyphilissb, Derrick, and RepresentCards. the more jokes from a person, the better the chance.

RepresentCards

Whats a cow's favorite TV show??



Malcolm in the Moodle

R*C

RepresentCards

My 22's on my ride are so big, their old enough 2 drink , lol

R*C

Burress80

Ok here it goes

There was a king who had every thing a kingdom, a princess, and lots of gold. but he got board of it all he was to hold a contest the winner was to have his pick at on of the kings possessions his kingdom, princess, or his gold the king had a river guarding his castle filled with pirhanas he gathered thwe towns people and said who ever can swim across the river to the other side will have his choice of one of my possessions so he was waiting... then he heard a splash a guy was in the water he made it acrossed the river fast. the king came up to him and said so what do you want my kingdom, the guy said no, my princess, the guy said no, ok then you want my gold, the guy said no, the king said well then what do you want the guy said i want to know who the hell pushed me in.

sweigand2254

found another joke. it won't win, but i just thought i would share it w/ uens.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a$$hole's got my pen."

Sarah

Cyphilissb

disclaimer: I am not a racist, but this IS a racist joke, if you are offended by anything do not read

A guy goes into a store that sells human brains and other body parts and asks the clerk to show him the brains section. So the clerk takes him back and the guy says thanks and the clerk goes back up to the counter to check people out. So the guy is standing there looking at the brains. He sees an asian guys brain and he looks at it for a moment then at the price tag and its only $50. The guy is thinking to himself wow that's really cheap most asain people are really smart. So he moves along and he sees a white guys brain and and he looks at it goes to check out the price tag and its $200 bucks. So he stands there for a second and he's thinking to himself geez i wonder why the white guys brain is more?

So he looks around the store for a bit more and he finds the black guys brains up high on a shelf, so he reaches up and looks at it to see the price and they are $5000! he takes the brain up to the counter where the clerk is and asks the clerck, "how come this black guys brain is twenty times more expensive than any of the other brains?" and the clerk says well just look at it, its never been used before!"



i know i said i'd be here all week but i might want to hit the road after that one! hehe

sonicsfan

Maybe the Knicks will trade Spreewell to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant?

btw, spree sucks

Burress80

i don't know if this is considerd a joke i just heard it from my dad

you want to know what is groser than grose when you finger a girl and five class rings fall out want to know whats groser then that when one is hers.

colton

heres one not really a joke but its funny and true!
my 78 year old grandma growns weed in her backyard and wont share with anyone else in the family..lol

Chillinbij

TTT

KFC

dude..Colton....that is awesome but it sucks!! LOL

KFC

Alright...heres mine.

DISCLAIMER....I'm not racist and I tell this to all my African American friends. Some even say that I'm African American...though I dont look it!

Why are African Americans so tall??????????????????
















Because their (they're) Knee Grows! (negros)

Burress80

i am not racist but here is one

Some peolpe think i am part black but i am tan so i tell them i have blacks in my family tree


and there still hanging there

uwftke26

Here's my joke:

Somewhere out there is a collector who actually wants a Latrell Sprewell rookie card.

LMAO!!! Thats the best on yet!

Chillinbij

HEY! I give good stuff in my contest, no junk stuff.

p.s. trade with me!

see my ref's.

KFC

ChillinBij does give good deals on trades and buys. Just hooked me up w/ 25% BV...maybe less! Thanks BJ..cant wait til next week! My vote for funniest is the Sperm Joke or the Chicken cross the BBall Court!! Both made me LOL!!

ChipperJonesFan08

Why are blond jokes so short?

so burnete's can remember them!

c0LLect0r

This is mine....Be sure to read it all. It is hillarious.

Dump List

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump -- When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “dang Commies.”

The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a crap in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the dang thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.

johnkelly

Why do white people have names like Lenny, while black people have names like Karl?
- from The Simpsons

Cyphilissb

my friend has that dump poster on the inside of his bathroom door, it has anitmations and everything, perfect bathroom reading material

ILuvSportsCards

Get prepared to laugh.

***SeX eDuCaTiOn***
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting
and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes
got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while
they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Cyphilissb

ttt

Chillinbij

ttt