A Holiday "Classic"

Askari

I wrote this a couple years ago as a Christmas present to my friends on the CU boards. It is, unfortunately, of a timeless nature and will serve as fair warning to our newbie collectors. For those of you who are newer to the forums than the original presentation of this "carol", each problem mentioned here was actually experienced or observed by someone on this forum. I've made nothing up.

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It Came Within a Slab so Clear

[With apologies to E.H. Sears, 1846. Sung to the tune: Carol, 2nd Tune, R.S. Willis, 1850]


It came within a slab so clear,
That glorious coin of gold,
For the price of silver, on e-Bay,
The coin I sniped so bold:
The scan so clear had drawn my eye,
“L@@K, a pretty and perfect thing!
UNIQUE!” To gain this MS-70 gem,
I hocked my wife’s wedding ring.

Still through the Christmas mail it came
‘Til ‘twas finally part of my world.
I tore through the packaging quickly
And almost immediately hurled!
The ACG grade appeared to be wrong:
The coin was covered by haze,
Which much to my horror it did seem,
Appeared to be mayonnaise!!

Oh woe! What sin has transpired?
Has Accugrade done me wrong?
The miscreant shall pay, I swore,
He’ll not be free ere long!!
For his fingerprints are strong and clear;
The criminal has left proof of his deed!
And between the edge of the coin and slab
I spied a sesame seed.

Oh no! Look here!! It cannot be!!!
Is there no end to my woe?
For the chatter on Miss Liberty’s cheek
Obscures a telling blow:
They lied!! They lied!! It’s perfectly clear:
Tisn’t Unc., that’s wear I do see,
Telltales of whizzing, luster dipped out,
And that green is PVC.

My head hung low, oh, how could I tell
The folks on the CU forums
That I ignored the advice so sound
Of my friends, my very dear chums;
Not only did I purchase a slab
But one that bore the name ‘ACG’,
No prophet was needed to foretell
That it was all they said it would be!

O ye who strive to build sets sublime,
Who toil along that slow road,
Climbing higher among the Registry sets,
Your credit cards bearing the load,
O rest from reading your Grey Sheets and
Harken to those who know and advise
Peace will settle upon the Earth
Before ACG stops selling its lies!

lordmarcovan

Yep. Timeless and classic.

BigE

Good one Asakari, I must have missed it the first time---------------------------------------BigE

Cam40

That was great Askari, Dr. Suess aint got nuttin on you.
And I too somehow missed it the first time around.

Wasnt there a cute one posted of `Twas the Night Before Christmas` in the theme of coins?
Someone posted something like that a couple years ago here didnt they.
Ya My memory is shot.

Askari

No Lee, your memory isn't as shot as you think it is. I'll post it here, but it probably won't mean as much as it did then since there are a few "you had to have been there" inside jokes and so many of the folks mentioned are no longer around. But, for auld lang syne, here it is. (For the historically curious, a fake 1804 silver dollar offered on eBay by the infamous Scottie-o was the formative event that really brought the US Coin Forum together as a community.)

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A Visit on Christmas Eve

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ‘Net
Not a numismatist was stirring, not even Bulldog yet;
The CU forums were quiet, the posters all in their beds,
Since cookies and eggnog had quite gone to their heads.

I was snoring so soundly when the dog started to whine,
And I threw on some clothes to avoid “puddle time”;
When I heard pawing and stomping up on my roof,
I grabbed up “Old Faithful” and ignored getting my boots.

In the living room fireplace the embers had died,
And I could see through the window, ‘twas snowing outside.
Down the chimney came a sound of skritching and scraping,
Then a pair of boots landed with a thud … next a bag almost breaking.

Out stooped a jolly old man, dislodging a stocking;
I’m glad the hearth was cold and no fire still burning.
He looked like his pictures, yes, just like himself –
But if he got soot on the carpet, my wife would roast elf!

He smiled a huge grin and blew rings of smoke from his pipe,
Opened his bag saying, “I think I have something you’ll like!”
With the greatest of ease, he hefted the huge leather sack,
And I winced in sympathy, for sure it would break my old back.

Santa surveyed the living room, his eyes twinkling merry;
“Now what?” I wondered, and I began to grow wary.
He pulled the bag open and he started to pour …
Glittering coins and other goodies out on my floor!

Coronets, Eagles, and Stellas galore,
Glittering gold … I hoped there was more!
St. Gaudens and Gobrechts, just piece after piece,
Indian Heads and Classic Heads – Oh! What a feast!

A complete Morgan collection, all in Mint State,
I began to feel dizzy, nigh ready to faint;
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a real 1804 Dollar, the best seen this year!

Half dollars and quarters, Liberty seated and walking;
My eyes kept on blinking, my mind was just balking.
Half dismes and whole ones, Mercs early and late,
Shield nickels and Buffs – none lacking a date!

Large cents and small cents, two cents and three,
Continued to pour out under my tree!
Indian Heads and Eagles flying after these,
And so many moderns, each DCAM MS73!

Nor was that all! A horde of ancient coins and no few foreign,
Banknotes and Notgeld, MPC, and some tokens;
Obsoletes and Confederates piled high near the lamp,
And, would you believe, two Hobo nickels and a stamp!

With my head reeling so, I hardly noticed him go,
Till I heard Nick’s old call to his reindeer young and old:
“Now, Grip! Now, Spooly! Now, Tad and Coincob!
On, Cam! On, Numis! On, Koki and Treedoc!

“Dash away, PMH! And you too, TomB, BigAlan and Caitlin!
Chriswheeler, Bohica, Marguli and Dixon, get this here sleigh movin’!
BigBubba and BigD! TylerMike and Harkey … We haven’t all night!
Cointagious and Colorman, Silver and Tubby – Ol’ Bulldog’ll bite!

“Coiniac, Cointab and ol’ MorganD, Instaexpert’s gaining on you three!
JohnnyG and Robbi, Ccop and Malc – what young whippersnappers you be!
Why is the sleigh so darn heavy? We’re hauling coins and are filled to the brim!
Copperhead, Marmor, and, yes, RickyM, you’re running along with the best of them!”

The last things I witnessed as they flew out of sight
Were a booming voice calling out, “One and all, good night!
And may this year’s Christmas be especially merry!!”
… And the sleigh’s Texas vanity plate reading ‘ASKARI.’


With greatest of apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.

Askari

And for good measure, here's last year's:

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I’ll Be DARK for Christmas (If Only in My Dreams)

[With apologies to Bing Crosby; sung to the tune arranged by John Scott Trotter, Oct. 1943]

I’ll be Dark for Christmas,
Nothing ‘Lite’ for me;
Please have coins and currency
As presents under the tree.

Crowns and Shillings for you,
Marks and Thalers for me;
Nothing slabbed would ever do,
Raw or toned, nat’ral they’ll be.

Gothic Crowns, such beauties,
Britannias are my love,
But Notgeld, too, and APCs
Are part of my treasure trove.

So much the Dark Side offers,
So strongly does it tease.
Lost in attics and cellars
Are treasures such as these:

Staters, Drachms, and Follis,
Lepton, Karshapana,
Dirham and Denarius,
Antoniniani, Prutah,

Shillings, Pounds and Pesos,
Dinara, Yen and Pence,
Centimes and Centavos,
Sols and Livres and Francs,

Bani, Lei and Lira,
Hellers, Øre and Sen,
Centesimi, Leva,
Pfennigs and Kronen,

Drachmai, Rubles, Kopeks,
Gulden, Yuan, Rupees,
Perper and Karbowanez,
Kronur, Reals, Zlotych…

I could go on forever
With this pleasant reverie,
Of copper, gold and silver,
And paper currency.

Longer grow my wantlists,
No end in sight, it seems.
I’ll be Dark for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.